Clogs: Wide shoes, Narrow Audience

Chanel brought in Gladiator sandals three years ago in their runway show. At the time, I was accidently in Paris as a no-gladiator-sandals tourist and felt so left out. Half a year later, gladiators spread like wild fire all around the world from New York to Shanghai, Berlin to Tokyo. The fire still burns today. This year, Chanel runway models all clopped down the raised platform in clogs. It’s probably a safe bet that’ll be the next “In” footwear. Hold on. Really? Clogs?

We are certainly not talking about the run-of-the-mill clogs on sale at Payless or Rack Room Shoes. These are not at issue here. The Chanel clogs are billed as being “utilitarian chic” and having a bit of “design inspiration.” I still have mixed feelings about clogs though, even if they are not those for sale in Comfort One.

Let’s pause for a second to set the record straight. What’s inspirational about a shoe design that first became internationally trendy in the seventies and eighties? That design wasn’t even innovative, being based on a Dutch wooden shoe that predates the spread of Germanic tribes across prehistoric Europe! And utilitarian? Puh-lease. The original Dutch clog was made of thick wood and as a work shoe could withstand almost any penetration from sharp objects or other dangerous materials on the ground. Forgetting that many contemporary clogs aren’t made of wood, the clogs clicking down the Chanel runway don’t even have heel cups. There’s no utility in a shoe with no heel.

But the lack of innovation and utility in the clogs of Chanel’s 2010 spring line, is not what I have an issue with. It’s more my curiosity about who could possibly look good in them.

The problem with clogs is they only sort of look good some of the time on a very small segment of the female population. Let’s go through the limits of body type first. Clogs have big blunted square or slightly rounded toes appear to be made of thick materials, even when they may not be. This gives them a clumsy, heavy look that has a magnifier effect on the rest of your body shape. 

So you can’t be taller than 5’8” if you want to wear them. Clogs usually have high, thick bottoms. They make you even taller, and this is a problem for boy-hunting, unless you believe being over 6 feet tall is a good thing to help you find a basketball player boyfriend.

You also can’t be shorter than 5’3”. Unlike high heels, clogs don’t really help you to extend the length of your legs. They work more like platform shoes. You always look like you’re walking on bricks or wooden blocks, and everybody can tell you are unhappy with your height and working hard to appear taller.

 You can’t weigh more than 130 pounds. Clogs will definitely make you seem bigger than you are. And you also can’t weigh less than 110 pounds. When your skinny legs connect into clogs at the ankle, the contrast looks exaggerated, like a stick figure wearing moon shoes.

So if you are between 5’3” to 5’8” tall, weigh 110 to 130 pounds, congrats! You passed the first test of wearing a pair of clogs.

Next, you better be ready for a workout when you wear your clogs. Have you exercised enough to walk in those heavy shoes for hours? Clogs have heavy bottoms but open backs like mules (that’s why I hate mules) which makes them cumbersome footwear. When you walk in clogs, every step taken requires that your toes hold on to the shoe’s bottom so the shoe won’t fall off. And then, because the shoe bottom doesn’t bend, the foot and the ankle have to work hard to lift the shoe up in order to keep it moving with you. This is just the work of one step. Imagine you have to keep doing this until you get home. It’s quite a work out.

After all that, you need to think about where you are going in clogs. The weight and awkwardness of clogs makes them terrible running shoes. So, for instance, when you must rush to work in the morning, clogs will not make you fleet of foot. They are too heavy to walk too far in. So if the place where you are going is more than a few blocks down the street or you plan to walk more than a short distance, like going shopping, you’ll feel tired very soon. Of course they are not dressy enough to wear at night time or the office for work. They are also not comfortable enough to wear to do any sports, like camping or hiking. They have open backs, so they might not be good driving shoes, either.

Therefore, there should be sometime somewhere, you plan to take a short relaxed walk, that is the perfect time to be in clogs. Maybe a walk after dinner? Sounds great! Before Chanel’s attempt to bring them back, for most of the last 20-30 years, clogs were only popular footwear around the house, in the garden. Perhaps that’s where they should stay.

You can invest in clogs if you think you’re body fits the limits above and/or you’ll be walking around the corner to the grocery store or taking a turn around the block after dinner. Otherwise save that money for some more versatile footwear! Oh right, did I mention Chanel’s clog’s retail price is $1750?